temporary death.thoughts #10

4 min read

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sometimes I wish it was possible,
I mean no emotions,no thinking ,nothing 
it sounds lovely to me but I wouldn't want it forever.

I've a serious problem that I don't know how to fix
and this has bothered many but it always bothered me the most
it's one of the reasons why I do hate myself.

allot of things have been happening in my life and Idk how to cope right now.

have you ever felt so hurt that you realize you've lost who you are? 
and it drives you crazy,sad ,mad and you're hater for yourself becomes a big bonfire from a small glow.

my heart got so obsessed about feeling good it hurt both my mind,my body and the once around me.

I have sat here watching the people I used to love and care deeply for become someone I can't trust
and feel unsafe and disgusting around.
I've been so used to abusive friendships that I don't trust ppl,I blind myself in the fact they are better than me.
even if they aren't.
so when I got into a real one that wasn't abusive. I felt as they were so sick of me cos I didn't know how real love was.
I've been watching those I loved vanish and I have been completely awair of my mind turning them into beasts.
simply because I felt bound down by them, I wasn't happy.

I'm used to my friendships being abusive both physically,emotionally and mentally.

I did something I promised myself I would never do when I was little;
-wrap my life around a friend or a partner again.
-smoke 
-be around people who smoke weed and those kind of stuff
-drank alcohol more than once.
-give myself to someone out of fear and not cos I want to.

I know I will never be brave enough to tell my therapist this,or my family cos I'm afraid of disappointing them more.

I don't know who I am anymore, I've a problem with my emotions and my believes.
"dancing with the devil might last you forever" I didn't dance with him, I kissed him and his burning flame burned up who I was inside.

I've lost who I was, all passed friends that I've had for years. I've lost my parents trust, I've lost my way and what I want out of live


I found someone that makes me the happiest simply by looking at him smiling,but also makes me want to die cos I'm not perfect. never will be


all my friendships and relationships are toxic in some way but I believe that this has been the worst cos of that connection I can't break.
I still live everyday in fear, I just want to feel safe without having someone to hold me up.
my friends have told me I can do it,I can survive ,just breath it's gonna get better.
I know but it's always gonna get worse again.

I just want this toxic feeling to leave,I don't want to feel like a slave or one to make someone into a slave.
I want control of my emotions or them to completely go but then I'll never become happy again.

for when I'm happy I'm most fragile cos I open up and take off my bullet vest to live for a day without worry for bullet vests are heavy and bring me down.

I really wish for a temporary death

((plz dont comment,I do not wish to talk about it and I don't want any pity or sympathy. I just wanted to let this off my chest))
© 2015 - 2024 Aldisunnur
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